Liquored Up

One of my students in English class asked me how old I was when I had my first drink. I told her I was 21. She said, "My parents give me alcohol sometimes. Well, it's not really alcohol, it's just wine." 

There's a Place For Us

We were watching a portion of "West Side Story" today in English. During the balcony scene Maria is saying goodnight to her new love. She says, "Buenas noches" to her new novio. One of my students added  the word 'papacito' to the end of the line as if she was the character in the movie. Nice effect. Not even I could stop laughing for awhile after hearing this one. 

Chicken Legs

One student in my class was dressed up today as a "chola". Another student shared her thoughts on this "costume". "You look all chubby with your shirt and shorts. Then your arms and legs look like a chicken." 

So, A Needle Pulling Thread

I have never been so mad at a student's stupidity as I was this morning. I saw that a student had two sewing needles and I asked him to put them away immediately. He put them into his front shorts pocket. I asked if he knew that needles could go through fabric. He said he did. I then clearly told him that I had better not see them again. Five minutes later I felt something strange in the bottom of my shoe. Of course it was one of the needles. It was in the carpet and when I stepped on it the needle punctured my shoe and the needle went between my toes. Luckily, I was not pierced. I had to limp over to a chair and try to pull the needle out of the sole of my shoe. Eventually I had to break it off with part of it remaining. I still can't believe just how strange the whole situation was. Maybe he will grow up to be a tailor. 

Them Bones

A student had her hand partly raised in class today. I politely asked her if she was raising her hand and if she had a question. She said, "Yeah, I'm raising my skeleton bones." Fair enough, if you want to call your arm that. 

Country For Old Men?

One male student was mocking a female student who claimed that old men always talk to her. He said, "If you ever get lost in a forest, I'm sending in old men to find you. If you ever become lost in a maze? Old men will be there."

Hip Hop Gooey

One student was ardently explaining to another student how frogs and toads are really the same thing. She said, "They both hop like each other, they're both ugly, they both have big eyes, and they're both gooey." Please do not be mislead by the biological subjects. This all happened in Algebra I. 

Bad Influence

One student was tired of other students talking in class. She yelled, "Shut up! You're givin' me a bad influence!" 

Call Me

Today in Algebra I a student called me over to ask me a question. "Teacher, can I go outside and make a phone call?" With a puzzled look on my face, I said, "No, this is school, not vacation." She was not pleased with my answer. 

Snooki, Why You So Orange?

As many of you know, there is a certain fake color that people get when they get an artificial tan. Nobody in my class has a fake tan, but they do like to make fun of each other as often as possible. Today one student yelled at another student, while mixing her metaphors, "Snooki, your skin is orange! You look like an Umpa Lumpa!" 

Moth Cancer

I believe that cancer is certainly no laughing matter, but I think moths combined with cancer is so strange that it could be considered interesting, at least. I had to open the classroom door in the middle of class today because a student sprayed some perfume when my back was turned. The strong odor was giving some students a headache. One student shouted out some information that she thought everyone should know: "Did you know you could get cancer from a moth?" Probably the most bizarre thing I have ever heard. And that's saying something. 

All About Acceptance

Today in English I asked the students to use the word 'accept' in a sentence. One student offered, "My brother accepted the present from my grandma... (pause) even though it was ghetto!" Although she constantly is drawing attention to herself and talking too often, I was proud of her for using the word correctly. Believe me, with her this was a big step. 

Is It Recess Yet?

Today in English Lit. we were reading a story by Edgar Allan Poe where he talks about a 'recess' as in something in a catacomb that goes back in from the main area, like an area similar to the size of a closet.  One young lady shouted out, "That's my favorite candy!" Not understanding her, I asked, "You mean recess is your favorite subject in school?" "No, that's my favorite candy!" she repeated. "Peanut butter and chocolate." 

Ichabod Crane

One young lady shouted out in class today, "I was watching a show the other day where people got their heads cut off and I was laughing my head off!" Unfortunately, she has no idea how clever she really is.

OK, That's Awkward

One of my students in Freshman English blurted out, "Teacher, you have five kids like The Brady Bunch." I said, "Yeah, except ours are all from one family and theirs are from two separate families who blended." She said what is certainly one of the favorite three words of teenagers all across America: "Ok, that's awkward." In case you were wondering, the other two words are 'stalker' and 'creepy', not necessarily in that order. 

Talking Rats

One of my students was getting frustrated while learning how to figure out the slope intercept of a line. I explained it to her again from the board across the room but some other students were interrupting me. She finally reached a state of exasperation and shouted out, "They look like talking rats, they won't let me hear!" You get the picture. 

Romeo and Juliet or Some Other Girl

In English Lit. today we were briefly discussing the star-crossed lovers of Shakespeare's famous play. One young lady in my class sighed and said, "I wish I could meet my Romeo." Another student quickly yelled, "Well, I bet he don't wanna meet you!" All is fair in love and war.

People in Hell

Sometimes it is best to let the students work out the kinks with each other. After all, as a teacher I am severely outnumbered. Today one student complained, "I want to take a nap, I'm tired." A quick reply came from a student on the other side of the room. "And people in hell want ice water! Everybody wants somethin'!"

Make-up Test

Today I told the class to get out their work. One young lady said, "I can't, it's in my backpack." I asked, "Where is your backpack, on the moon?" She said, "I think so. I can't find it." I tried to move on and change the subject a little. I asked, "Do you have any make-up work you can do?" She said truthfully, "My makeup is in there too! Mascara, eye shadow and eyeliner!" 

This Is Not My Style

If a student is tested on something that was taught while they were in the office, standing outside, talking to their neighbor, eating chips, chewing gum, throwing things or being otherwise disruptive, it may cause learning to become more difficult, if not next to impossible. During an apparently frustrating Algebra I test today a student slammed the table in frustration and threw up her hands in surrender. "I just don't have a head for this stuff." The worst part about this is that she probably believes that lie. 

First One Done

Some students are so lost educationally (among other things), that they can't see where any of this is going, or why. Most of them probably know that they should be good and do their classwork and homework, but they are not altogether sure why such things should be done. 
After my students were given a math test to take today one student shouted out, "Teacher, I don't know how to do this stuff, but I'm done!"

Can I Ride In Your Trunk?

In an off moment during class yesterday I told my students that my wife and kids were taking me to my favorite museum for my birthday this weekend. I also kindly invited any and all of my students to join us there, as the admission is free. One young man shouted, "Yeah, I'll go if you give me a ride!" I truthfully said that I would under different circumstances, but that our five kids fill up our minivan. He flatly retorted, "C'mon, I can ride in the trunk!" I then asked, "Where are we going to put our baby stroller?" 

Growth Spurt

A student of mine who seems neither extremely short, nor tall said, "Whoa! That little Russian kid used to be the shortest kid in the class! Growth spurt in the last three seconds, now he's taller than me!" High school needs to be seen to be believed. 

Anything But School

Some students were grilling me the other day instead of working on their grammar assignment. (Can you blame them?) One student said, "Did you party in college?" I said, "Please do your work." Another student said, "I bet you liked to party, huh? Teacher, when was the last time you got drunk?" I said, "January, 1998." Astonishment ensued. The students seem to think that all adults get loaded as often as they can. 

How Old Is Your Nine Year Old Daughter?

When humans are in the transition from being a child to becoming an adult, some of the changes can be quite difficult. Some are strange looking, some are socially inept, and some just say things out loud that should not be said out loud. A few weeks ago I was telling my new students a little bit about myself and my family. I told the class that my wife and I have a nine year old daughter. A student raised his hand and politely asked, "How old is your nine year old daughter?" True story.

So Much For The Afterglow

Today a student said (with a somewhat urgent tone), "Nobody ever thinks of the after effects of tripping someone! All they have to do is get up and say 'what's up with that?'" Yeah, I guess I never thought of it that way.

You Kiss Your Mother With That Mouth?

A student in class distracted herself by grabbing her own tongue with her fingers. An action to which another student stated, "You done touched fifty things today, and now you gonna go an' touch your tongue?"

Robert "Frosty" The Snowman

I was discussing the famous American poet Robert Frost today in English Lit. A student said,"Oh, I've heard of him! Isn't he the guy who created Frosty the Snowman?" I'm not clever enough to make this stuff up. It's true. I think I actually told her that she may be referring to Jack Frost. She said, "Yeah, yeah, that's the one." An easy mistake to make.

Blameless Ground Squirrels

One of my students who has a penchant for shouting out absurdities (with the occasional obscenity) in class randomly stated, "There was a ground squirrel in our yard so our puppies were fighting over it! So then I went up and kicked it!" I asked, "You kicked a ground squirrel?" She said, "no, the dog." It shouldn't be that difficult for me to teach this young lady how to become a writer.

The Truth is Out There?

One of my students is an extremely bright young man. He might be the kindest, most unassuming person I have ever met. I asked him what he would like to study in college. He said, "I would like to be a mechanical engineer, or a chemical engineer, or an electrical engineer, or a xenologist." I asked him what a xenologist was. "One who studies alien life form" he said. I laughed and said, "good work if you can get it!"
This happened last week and today he came up to me after class with a small correction: "It's either xenology or astrobiology." I said, "Yeah, depending on if you can put what you find under a microscope." He concurred.

Drug Dealing a Good Future Goal?

Drug dealers are a scourge on our society that most of us never come face to face with. Last week one of my students was asked to step out of my classroom for a minute so other students would not be so distracted by him and his abhorrent behavior. After another teacher was working with the class I went out to talk to him. I told him that it seems to me like he is heading down a bad road (this is not our first time dealing with this student). I also suggested to him that he should consider the fact that this just might be as easy as his life will ever be, and that people will continually have more expectations on him as he gets older. 

Between spitting between his teeth onto the ground right in front of me, he flatly stated, “My uncle deals drugs and he doesn’t have any problems!”  I suggested to him that life might not be that great when you are constantly looking over your shoulder all the time, and that there are undoubtedly some other dealers that would love nothing more than to take away his business. I also suggested that drug dealers do not have long life spans and that it feels good to be a productive member of society. Although he would not admit it, I think I got through to him a little (at least more than anyone else ever has). 

The Day I Cried After Class

I am relatively new at the school I am teaching at now. My students still don't know exactly what to make of me. The other day during instruction time a student asked me if I have ever cried. I unapologetically said "yes, I'm a big crier. It makes me feel better." Another student asked me if I had ever cried at school. I then told them about the only day I cried at school (as a teacher). During my first year of teaching an eighth grade girl told me she was leaving school because she was pregnant. This happened on the same day that one of my students read their first written words. Those two incidences pretty much put me over the line and I could not control my emotions. Both students were at the very beginning of their new lives. Later, as I was reviewing my day, I was reassured by my reaction. I realized that I care about these young people. I knew then that I was born to be a teacher and that not "just anyone" is given this charge in life. It is an enormous responsibility and a wonderful calling. Perhaps I'm at least partly feeling this way because it is Saturday and the playoffs are on.

Classroom Time

I was trying to lead a discussion about a short story we had just read in class when a student said, "my little nephew had a dog and it bit half his face off, (she pulls down half of her face with her hand to illustrate) and now he gets twenty thousand dollars! And he gets to spend it himself!" She said this little anecdote like he was the luckiest little boy in the world.
As we navigate through this world of teenagers, we do our best not to fall into these little areas of misinformation and weirdness that are set like booby traps all around us. It is my charge to teach the greatest percentage of my students the most standards possible in a set amount of time. Actually, in a very short amount of time. Juvenile information sets must be continually pushed to the background as the students inch forward in their learning and race forward toward adulthood. They have no idea how terrified they should be, and that's a good thing.

School Equipment

Student: Teacher, can I use your pencil sharpener?
me: yeah, go ahead.
Student (after trying to use the old, beat-up electronic pencil sharpener): Teacher, that pencil sharpener is ghetto!

Trying to be tough.

One of my students is a young lady who is being raised by her grandmother. She is rather small but tries so hard to be as mean and tough as possible. I said to her, "stop trying to be so tough, you might learn more." She looked me in the eye and said, "I'm not f***ing trying to be tough!" She probably stands about 4'11" tall with nine pairs of socks on.

High School is a little bit different now.

Pretty much every generation for the past thousand years or so probably thinks it is a little bit more intelligent than the one that came immediately before it, and also the one that came just after it too. I think I can speak freely for my generation (class of '92) and say that I believe this is still the case. I am married with children now and starting to slow down a bit. I am on the firing line of life every day during the school year. I hear the idiocy, the lies, the hatred but mostly ignorance, five days a week. I was walking in the halls the other day and I heard a student tell another student that her boyfriend had sex with her sister. She sounded very annoyed.