Dry

Today in English a student asked me, "Do you have an eraser?" I handed him one. He then asked, "May I use the restroom?" I said, "Sure, can I get you anything else?" Without hesitation he said, "Yeah, Martini. Dry." 

Gas

One student let out a loud burp in Algebra I today. I said to her, "Please don't do that in class." A neighbor at her table said, "Better from the attic than from the basement!" A simple point I had to concede. 

Dance Your Dirt Dirt Off

Not to be bested by a student who said, "I love to sing in the shower," another student said, "So, I sing and dance in the shower!" Not as a teacher, but as a friend, (a public service announcement, if you please) please do not dance in the shower for any reason. 

Use The Bathroom

One curious young man asked me a question I admit I had never considered before. So now, dear readers, I pose this question to you. He asked, "Teacher, don't you wish we all didn't have to go to the bathroom?"

Devil's Spawn

One student says, "You're like the Devil's spawn!" A perhaps less well-read student responds, "No I'm not, I'm more like the Devil's daughter!"

Konichiwa

I was telling my students about some popular languages in the world. I recommended to them that they learn more than two foreign languages as soon as possible. I talked a bit about Mandarin and how it was different than Cantonese. Shouts came from the students in the form of "konichiwa" and "sushi!" I told them that was actually Japanese that they were shouting out. One girl said, "No it's not! I hear them talk like that at my nail salon!" Knowing my cause was lost, I went back to the lecture at hand. 

Righteous Lord

Later on in the class period the same student said, "We only have 12 minutes left? Thank you righteous Lord. I hate this class." Today was a pretty long day for us all. Friday will be even longer for her because the students have a chapter 7 test on that day. Perhaps the righteous Lord will help her pass. 

Female Dog

Today a young lady in Algebra asked, "Teacher, do you ever use bad words?" I said, "Yes, but not in math class." She then said, "I bet right now you're thinkin' I wish this little bitch would shut up!" I said, "No, I don't use bad words to call people names." 

That Was A Doozy

I co-teach Algebra I with another teacher. She gave the students a problem today that was pretty difficult considering it was the first one of the day. When she realized how difficult the problem was that she gave them, she said, "I'm sorry I gave you a real doozy for the first problem." With a surprised look on his face, one student said, "Doozy, what's a doozy?" 

Why Won't You Support Me?

One student in my class was having a rough day yesterday. She put her head down on the desk. She then looked up at me and said, "Teacher, can I go to the nurse? I can't support this headache no more." 

Captain Rehab

Today in English Lit. I asked a student to read a sentence that said something about Moby Dick by Herman Melville. Of course the students chuckled. In the story the great white whale is a symbol of evil. When reading about the captain of the ship, Captain Ahab, one of my students said, "Captain Rehab." Too much tv perhaps. 

All Hands On Deck

I frequently have to remind my students that they should not swear in class. They frequently forget. Today during PE I had to reprimand a student for shouting out an obscenity at the top of his lungs. A few minutes later I heard him yell out, "Poop deck!" I replied, "Don't use words if you don't know what they mean. Use it in a sentence right now." Without hesitation he yelled, "May I swab the poop deck captain?" I replied, "You may." 

Money for Nothin'

We were learning the vocab. word 'dire' the other day in class. I conjured up the idea to remind my students of the guitar band Dire Straits. I asked the class if they remembered them, but all I heard answering me were crickets. 

Zoom Out

I was trying to speak to a student the other day. She had a dazed look in her eyes. I said, "Hello?" She apologetically said, "Sorry teacher, I zoomed out for a minute." 

Miss Understood

Today in Algebra I a student was frustrated with not knowing everything, so she started explaining why; referring to another teacher, she said, "Half of this stuff don't even be hard, she just make it hard. If it can be done in five steps she do it in ten." Then she turned to a friend and said, "Shut up you little jerk. Calm down and be patient!" Where to begin?

Goin' Rogue

A few days ago in class a student was talking to another about a certain type of candy. I think he dropped one or it flew across the room for some other reason. Anyway, he then said, "Don't try the peanut kind. They go rogue." I looked up the word 'rogue' in the dictionary and it read, 'vagrant' or 'tramp'. You're welcome. 

Because I Could Not Stop For Death

One of my students was mumbling something in my direction today. I said, "Will you please speak up? I didn't hear what you said." She indignantly snapped back at me, "Don't be mad just because you're death!" 

Eye Eye Eye Part 2

I overheard two students talking today in class. One young lady said, "Let me poke you in your eye." The other students' response was, "Ok, but let me poke you first!"

Eye Eye Eye

Today in class one student yelled at a Spanish speaking student, "Stop speaking Mexican!" I informed her of what language they speak in Mexico. 

West Side Meerkats

In English class we are finishing up watching West Side Story, which is a loose interpretation of Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. At one point in the film you can hear a siren from the police that are coming. Every character stops and looks up as if to hear more clearly what is happening. One of my more colorful students shouted out, "Freakin' meerkats!"